If someone said 3 years from now...?

Last night marked a milestone in my life. It's something that I'm sure in the back of my mind I always knew would eventually happen (time has a funny way of securing that) but I guess I never really believed it myself.

I'm getting ahead of myself though...

A long time ago in a far far away place there were two boys, John & Ryan (aka me and my ex-bf).

I can still remember in the minute I met him, my heart had skipped a beat and I had fallen all over myself and him in all those Hallmark kind of ways. It was love for me. The closest thing I've ever felt to real love.

In the year that would follow I would be involved with one of the nicest, most caring and gentle man I would ever come across in my life. The fact that he looked like he fell out of an Abercrombie & Fitch catalog was a great bonus.

"You took my hand. You showed me how. You promised me you'd be around..."

I was sure that when I was with him that there was nowhere else on earth that I wanted to be. This was the kind of love that I could feel all over my body. Everytime he looked at me, it was like little darts had hit me all over and I was tingling. I had surely never experienced anything like ti and even to this day, I can't say that I have.

I got close to it with a more recent ex, but in hindsight, it was just different. There are no real words to describe it.

"I took your words and I believed in everything you said to me..."

The two of us had gone to a same-sex wedding expo and I guess in school-boy fashion, had our highest hopes and expectations for the brightest future together we could ever want with one another. My dreams it seemed were endless. His however (and by no fault of anyone's, even his own) had started to shift.

The boat had started rocking somewhere in our relationship, and I couldn't even point out where it happened if I tried. Our schedules changed. I got a new job, so did he. We worked completely seperate hours and the time we did have was like trying to hold on to sand forever.

Even to this day I couldn't really tell you what had happened. We drifted, feelings changed. I, the ever-constant dreamer, had hoped that things would work out for the best but I guess secretly in the inner most reaches of my heart, I knew all along that I was doomed to lose him.

Somewhere around a year later, things were unravelling quickly. We started bickering. The time, as I had said, for us to spend together was far and few inbetween and it didn't help but chip away at the foundation of us.

"When someone said 'count your blessings now before they're long gone'. I guess I just didn't know how. I was all wrong. They knew better, still you said 'forever and ever'. Who knew...?"

He fell out of love with me. That realization felt like I was hit with a bag of nickels. And really, how can you fight that? Feelings aren't tangible. It's not something you can touch or mold, it's either all of nothing. There's really no gray area.

But when it all broke, and strangely enough it was MY idea, I broke. The fighting had gotten to be too much. I couldn't concentrate in my daily life. It felt like there was always this 'thing' hanging in the air. Neither one of us really wanting to say anything or do anything but all along knowing the time was ticking down.

I told him that maybe we should split for awhile and see how things were. He agreed.

"If someone said three years from now you'd be long gone, I'd stand up and punch them out cause they're all wrong. I know better cause you said forever and ever. Who knew...?"

I couldn't believe what I had just said, but there it was. It was on the table I couldn't take it back. I tried to give him his space, but failed miserably at it. When I saw that days were passing and there was no contact between us my mind starting hitting the panic button and I became a man possessed. Nothing else had mattered to me.

The thing that I realized later on is that that kind of love just isn't safe. You can never place your own happiness into someone's hands the way that I did. Yes, falling in love makes you vulnerable and you have to be in order to really enjoy and appreciate it, but you need to keep some sense of self.

I had given out so much of myself, I hadn't left myself enough to get by on and when I had nothing in the end, I felt incredibly empty.

"I'll keep you locked in my head until we meet again..."

After that, everything snowballed. Within a month, I lost my boyfriend, my apartment, my car and eventually my job. I started f**king up at work and then the panic attacks started.

I didn't know what they were at the time, I just knew that every once in awhile, my heart would start racing, my hands would get clammy and I would be sweating like Paris Hilton at the S.A.T.'s.

This was territory I had never entered and didn't have a map for. Me, being stubborn put off getting checked out, because I've never really been one to rely on anyone or anything.

When I finally did go get checked out, I was told I had an anxiety disorder and my doctor wanted to prescribe me a little happy. It was the definite last slap in the face I could handle.

There was nothing else that could've been taken away from me. My relationship, car, job, apartment and now my own body was going to give up on me?? It was just too much.

I remember the night it all came to a head. I was at the apartment with my best friend David and I literally had a complete mental breakdown. I couldn't control myself. I was pacing and rambling, hysterically crying all the way, to the point where I couldn't breathe. It literally felt like Roseanne Barr was sitting on my chest and I couldn't get away. For about three hours I went on and on and Lord only knows what I was saying but I doubt it made sense.

David just stared at me blankly. It was quite possibly the lowest point in my life and I usually reserve such private moments for myself. He didn't offer any advice because I didn't need it, nor do I think I would've been able to comprehend anything. I know it must've been a jarring thing for him to see.

A few months passed.

I moved home, found another job and tried to go forward with my life. There were many a night I would cry myself to sleep but moving home was the best thing. I had too many memories in that apartment for me to live there and being home felt safe and secure. A new slate.

"I won't forget you, my friend. What happened...?"

Again, being the stalwart I am, I tried to maintain some kind of friendship with Ryan. At first I said I couldn't, then I second guessed myself and wanted to try. I didn't know how to deal with not having him in my life at all.

Miserable with him. Miserable without him.

God bless technology. I can remember that it was New Years Eve the night I found out that Ryan had indeed moved on from us and was dating.

I had gotten ready to go out NYE and was done early and waiting for my friends to come pick me up to wherever we were going. Killing time I had logged into my Friendster account and was just going through people's pages. I checked his and there it was.

Marital Status: In a relationship.

My hands started shaking and I was about to have a panic attack. I instantly called David cause he was always the person who was able to talk me through this stuff.

He managed to calm me down and suffice to say I don't really remember that NYE probably because I got amazingly intoxicated.

With my new found information, I was determined to start the new year off in a somewhat good way. I told him I wanted to give it a go at a friendship. He said he was down for such an arrangement and everything was fine....or was it?

"Remember when we were such fools and so convinced and just too cool...?"

I found myself once again waiting for his phone calls and cherishing the sound of his voice on the other line...even when he had told me about his new boyfriend, Adolfo.

In some strange way I figured that if this was what it took, I was gonna try my damndest to beat the odds here. I even went as far as to hanging out with Ryan and Adolfo one night (me, bringing David, just in case of anything lol).

I met him and the reality was like a slap in the face. I wanted to hate Adolfo so much. He was getting everything I had ever wanted and while on the outside I was fine. Calm, cool and collected, never showing my hand. In truth though, I had actually gotten along with him and he seemed like a nice person.

More time passed. It was eating away at me. I didn't know how long I could keep up this facade. It became mentally and physically draining and I knew that I would have to end it. Something like this needed more time to heal and I would have to tell him.

There were alot of scheduling conflicts then at the time and I didn't want to do it over the phone. Fate had a way of intervening and it all took place the Coloseeum Nightclub in NJ. Ugh.

I remember walking in and running into my friend Joey and he said "Oh, I just saw Ryan." and I was like "Ryan who?", not thinking in a million years he would be there. It just wasn't one of his hangouts. He said "Your Ryan". And instantly I wanted to vomit. I knew then that this would end up being the night. Who knew when I would get the chance again?

I went over, said my hello's and even danced with him and his friends a little bit. I didn't want to ruin anyone's night. I on the other hand was trying to consume as much alcohol as possible.

By the end of the night, I told him that I wanted to talk to him and could I walk him to his car?

When we got there, he knew that something was up, and I proceeded to spill my heart out. I did exactly what I didn't want to do: I broke down crying. I remember everything like it just happened last night. That was the night I watched a piece of my heart and indirectly a piece of me, get into a car and drive away. Never knowing whether or not I would ever get it back.

"That last kiss, I'll cherish until we meet again. And time makes it harder. I wish I could remember. But I'll keep your memory. You visit me in my sleep. My darling, who knew...?"

That was 3 years ago. Alot has happened in that time and alot of men have come in and out of my life. For awhile I didn't wanna date. I didn't know how to. Everything after this had just seemed trite and felt like a waste of time. I didn't like the idea of leading anyone on into thinking I was ready to settle down again when I knew I wasn't.

A few dates here and a few there until I decided to stop dating for sometime. The addage is true, time really does heal everything.

"Until we meet again..."

About a month or so ago, I had decided that I was more than ok to open up those doors of communication once again. He had meant so much to me in so many ways, why shouldn't we be friends? I'm friends with a bunch of my ex's. If I once shared something so close, special and intimate with someone, it doesn't just go away. There was once a bond there and that's something you keep with someone. The human experience is divine like that.

We played Friendster and phone tag for awhile and then fast forward (rewind?) to yesterday.

He called me while I was at work and we talked for a little bit. The first thing that stunned me was how instantly comfortable I felt again but in a different way. My scars had healed over and all that was left was my original admiration of this man as a friend and as a person. He's still the same good, goofy guy I had met and fallen in love with but it's all shown to me in a different light.

I'm beyond thrilled to say that he's still with Adolfo and they've become so settled in their lives and in their ways. He deserves all the happiness that life has to offer and if Adolfo can grow with him and make him a better person than he should be able to enjoy all the things that Ryan has to offer.

I went to the city last night with some friends for a drink and was only a couple of blocks away from his place so I called him and invited him down for a drink or two. When I saw him across the street from the bar heading my way, I didn't get my normal feeling of butterflies. A big smile made it's way across my face and it was like putting on your favorite pair of shoes again.

I knew that this was the right time and the right moment. Everything led up to then. We weren't meant to be together in that way but this felt so right. He meant the world to me as a friend and it's great to have that friend back.

Finding someone who 'gets you' in this life is a rarity. Some of us are blessed with only one. I've been blessed with a few. My 3 closest friends fall into that group and Ryan fits in just as well.

Sure, we may not be able to see each other ALL the time and we're both involved in different things, but when all is said and done, I know that he'll be there at the other end of the telephone when I call and that's good enough.

Add this to the list of realizations I make as I get older and I go through life. It's a crazy winding road, but I have the best company for the trip.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

Ryan, my friend, I love you with all my heart and will always be here for you...even though I may lose you sometimes mid-sentence...just say "leotard" and what the f**k??...and you're back! Haha! Or as Terry Bighouse says: Bongo Bad Boy!!!!

Till Then,
John Michael

* All quotes from "Who Knew" by Pink

The Human Race...and why are we always running? Pt. 1

This is just going to be an early morning (morning for me anyway) ramble about some things.

I've touched on the fact that, yes, I'm getting older and the things that matter to me now are different than the club kid days of yore. Naturally, Peter Pan HAS to grow up sometime, although don't get me wrong, I keep that kid inside of me as active as ever. I still question everything and I always yearn to know more. When you stop learning, why even keep living?

But now I'm seeing things in this more 'mature' light too I suppose. The people around me aren't exempt at getting older and while having conversations with them I can see how most of us are hitting the mark at the same time. Which makes me wonder...

Now, I read a quote once that I loved: "Be kinder than necessary. Everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle." - Anonymous

And it's true. Mama always said "You get more bee's with honey than you do with vinegar" and she's right. I don't understand alot of things and I try, really I do.

I don't understand this attitude we've all managed to prescribe to where we fly off the handle about the smallest things. Whatever happened to calm, logic?

Example: My cell phone wasn't working. After 2 years, there was natural wear and tear and I brought it in to Verizon to get it fixed. Since the phone is so old, and they don't make it anymore, they gave me a re-furbished phone. No problem. Technology like cell phone's, iPod's and the like don't really impress me and I don't need my cell phone to tell me the weather, the news or give me stock quotes, play MP3's or stuff like that. I just don't see the need in it. Besides, you know that within a month or so, they're going to come out with something that's bigger and better anyway.

All that aside, the refurbished phone started acting up within a month. Shutting off when it wants to, the battery didn't keep the charge, losing service, the whole nine.

So I knew I had to go back to Verizon and lord knows there were many a times when I'd be in the middle of a LONG text message and my phone would freeze that I wanted to throw the phone through the nearest wall!

Everyone's first reaction? Go to Verizon and cause a scene! Yell, stomp and basically throw a temper tantrum until I get what I want.

And then people wonder why things are the way they are.

It's not the workers fault that my electronic device isn't working. Why would I take it out on them? I wouldn't want someone to do that to me!

Have we all forgotten the Golden Rule?

I can't help but worry about where the simple rules of manners are going to as time goes on.

In a world where the slightest problem in one's life lead's to years of medication and everything is getting smaller, more convenient and we cut corners all the time, where are we running to??

Like Ellen said "I wouldn't mind hearing a few more 'please and thank you's'."

It's so true. I was brought up in a house by two parents who by most people standards would be considered to be goody-goody's. They don't curse (rarely), they don't drink and they don't smoke. My mother wakes up everyday as happy as a kid on Christmas (and without coffee!!) and while yes, I don't always feel that same (I need my caffeine), when I do start to get going, I get it.

We are so lucky to be on this earth and have the opportunities we have that we take for granted on a daily basis. The things we seem to complain about all the time just never seem serious enough to me.

There have been times where I've gotten myself into situations that have just downright sucked. The first one that comes to mind is how many times I've gotten my car towed in NYC. I feel like I should send them a fruit basket during the holidays. And everytime it happens, my first reaction is to figure it out without having to tell my father. I know that he'll flip and not without good reason. It's expensive and when all is said and done it's his car that gets locked up.

But the last time he said to me "As long as I know you're ok, everything else we can handle later. We're a family and that's what families do. They look out for each other."

I know how lucky I am. I really do. They're amazing.

Sometimes though, it feels disconcerting to see the world around me rushing and running and assuming and assimilating to a place where manners and being polite are cliche'.

We place so much importance on money and material things we really do miss what's under our noses 90% of the time. That's why they say "Take time to stop and smell the roses". Things like that appeal to our most natural of senses and we need that from time to time.

I leave you with this...

"The Things Im Saying"
Henree feat Nikka
---------------------------

Hear me out now
The things Im saying are truly what I feel
Cause I had my own troubled times that made it look so real
People hurt me and tried to smash each one of my beliefs
But I'm strong again and raise my hand
So come on follow me

Come together
We'll make it better
We should never ever go astray
Communication, comprehension and affection is the only way
Let's unite now and show them how happiness is here

No more sorrow
No Need to borrow other identities
Cause I trust my inner self
Theres no room for shame
So just watch me following my beliefs
And you should do the same

Come together
We'll make it better
We should never ever go astray
Communication, comprehension and affection is the only way
Let's unite now and show them how happiness is here...

Reach out and touch someone today. Do what you can to really enjoy the human experience. We all need one another sometime. Start now.

Till Then,
John Michael

"Evolution creates a revolution and finally, I'm home."
- Henree feat Nikka "Revolution"

Hopefully these tips will help you when you approach the DJ booth...

I don't know exactly what goes through people's minds when they come up to me for a request.

You wouldn't go to the bank and expect them to know what kinda of transaction you want to make. Nor would you go into a clothing store and say "Oh you know, I need a top...it's that kind with the threads in it...maybe it's even a certain color...Oh YOU know what it is, don't you??".

But for some reason, when people want to make a music request when I'm spinning somewhere, one of two things happen; Either I don't have the rediculous request they want and they get upset or they just don't even know the song they want to request.

If I don't have the song (and I travel with about NINE CD book's when I DJ, no joke), I usually get a huff and a puff and they look completely defeated. As if I just told them that their tire's are flat and 'sorry, we just don't have a new one for you now'.

That situation I can understand. Sometimes when the booze is a-flowin and you're havin fun with your friends, you wanna hear a certain song and it can be a little rain on your parade to hear that you can't at that time.

Think about this logically though: If you hear a DJ is playing house music continually (with a little bit of mainstream pop thrown in there), odds are good that the crowd he's playing to doesn't wanna hear The Rolling Stones or Stevie Nicks. I've gotten requests for both.

When I was DJing at Heaven in NYC, I was on the second floor, playing mainstream vocal house remixes. That's what I was hired to do. Imagine my surprise when this guy approached the DJ booth and requested Pearl Jam.

My reply? "Oh, I'm sorry, I totally left that book home."

Pearl Jam.

Moving on.

Now, every Sat night I play at a tiny little bar called Secrets in Brooklyn. I love most of the regulars but there's always a few loose cannons wandering about and almost always by the end of the night they wanna talk to me about SOMEthing.

Like the guy who engaged me in this conversation after I played a house version of of Cyndi Lauper's "Time After Time":

Him: Wow! Thank you so much for playing that song. I love that song!!
Me: Yeah, I know, it's a great song. One of my fave's by Cyndi.
Him: I know! I'm totally like a Cyndi Lauper freak!
Me: Oh yeah? I love her, I think she's great. I have alot of her stuff. Even the stuff that didn't make it so big...
Him: You know, Cyndi Lauper is the only evidence of God I've found on this planet.
Me: ::blank stare::
Me: Um...yeah...I mean...she's great. Love the Goonies song.

I mean, we all need something to believe in, but find me one person who says a Hail Cyndi or lights a candle at her shrine nightly and of course, they'll find ME!

Simple requests I don't mind and I'm actually one of the few DJ's who DOESN'T mind taking requests. If I have it, I will totally play it as long as it's not amazingly absurd. There are maybe two songs I refuse to play, possibly more, but off the top of my head: "Absolutely Not" by Deborah Cox and "Trippin" by Goldtrix feat Andrea Brown.

Also, odds are good you'll never find "Shiny Disco Balls" by Who Da Funk or "Who Am I?" by Massiv in ANY of my sets. It's just a preference. There are plenty of songs that can get the same reaction.

Some people treat club DJ's as if they're at a Sweet 16. Please don't. It's rude and no, I'm NOT playing "Let's Get Loud" by J-Lo. I don't know why people treat that one like the new "Boriqua Anthem".

I'll sooner play Milli Vanilli. (Don't lie, you know you know the words to "Blame It On The Rain")

Now, last Saturday while I was working, and granted I was in a cranky mood due to the lack of sleep I had the night before (also my own fault), I went through an all too familiar scene that is basically the DJ nightmare.

I can't say it enough that I really don't mind playing your requests, but please, make your requests and then go have fun. I can't stand there and try to work and keep paying you attention just because you're standing right next to me watching me work. If you keep talking to me, odds are good you're just going to annoy me, and I don't want that. I want to see you have fun. Also, while I'm standing there, I'm thinking about what song I want to play next. I can't have a full length conversation with you about "that time you were in Exit and that song came on" and how you and your friends "were buggin out" and dancing like over caffinated monkeys.

So, this guy comes up to me and wants to make (another) request. He's already asked me for Neil Diamond and Bryan Adams by this point. Both of which I put the ka-bosh on.

Him: Um...Yeah...do you have that song...It's a dance song. It's by that girl who was part of that group back in the day.

Now, at this point I already am thinking about cutting off his eyelids and feeding him sleeping pills.

Me: Um, you're gonna have to give me a little bit more than that.
Him: Awww, you know it. Um...It was that girl group.
Me: How far back are we talking here??
Him: Um...you know like 10 years ago...maybe a lil longer.
Me: I'm sorry, I don't know who you're talking about, maybe ask one of your friends to help you.

He does and then he comes back.

Me: So, do you know it?
Him: Nah but it's that house song. It's got the word "go" in it.
Me: ...............................

At this point my ghoulish fantasy of his expiration has taken new heights. Perhaps I could just slip some rat poison in his drink...maybe some Visine so I can watch him writhe in pain.

Me (calmly): Um, yeah. About that. That could be one of 500 songs and since I don't have a book with all my songs that have the word "go" in it, you're gonna have to try a lil harder in order for me to know what song it is.

And I laugh it off like it's a joke.

After much deliberation and him doing one of those "Ya know it goes...na na na na na na na...na na na na na na na..." kind of things I manage (don't ask me HOW) to put it together.

Do you know what song it was??

Melanie C's "I Turn To You".

Now, just for reference, I'm adding the lyrics here for your perusal:

"I Turn To You"

When the world is darker than I can understand.
When nothing turns out the way I planned.
When the sky turns grey and there's no end in sight.
When I can't sleep through the lonely night.

I turn to you.
Like a flower leaning toward the sun.
I turn to you.
'Cos you're the only one.
Who can turn me around when I'm upside down.
I turn to you.

When my insides are wracked with anxiety.
You have the touch that will quiet me.
You lift my spirit. You melt the ice.
When I need inspiration, when I need advice.

I turn to you.
Like a flower leaning toward the sun.
I turn to you.
'Cos you're the only one.
Who can turn me around when I'm upside down.
I turn to you.

Where would I be?
What would I do?
If you'd never helped me through.
I hope someday if you've lost your way.
You could turn to me like I turn to you.

I turn to you.
Like a flower leaning toward the sun.
I turn to you.
'Cos you're the only one.
Who can turn me around when I'm upside down.
I turn to you.

I turn to you.
When fear tells me to turn around.
I turn to you.
'Cos you're the only one.
Who can turn me around when I'm upside down.
I turn to you. I turn to you. I turn to you...

Ok, so hopefully you'll notice what I noticed:

NOWHERE IN THAT SONG DOES THE WORD 'GO' MAKE A CAMEO!

I beg of you, we can all come together to stop DJ homicide if you can try to really think logically about your requests when you approach the booth.

Thank you for your time.

Respectfully Yours,
John Michael

"DJ's are a club are not the same as DJ's at a wedding or a party. They're paid much more money. So don't think that you have the right to hear a song RIGHT NOW, because you say so. Be nice to the DJ. Compliment the DJ. Give the DJ money and oral sex and trust me, you'll get whatever you want."
- Jimi La Lumia "For DJ's Only"

Turn down the memories of yesteryears and broken dreams...Pt. 2

::sigh::

Why do people harass me when I first get up and am not even half way into my first cup of coffee?

Well, that was the situation in the previous post.

After caffinating myself and calming down ever so slightly, I thought logically about how this could work.

My father's big thing was that my mother would need the car during the week because my dad would be at work. She would have to take the baby to school and god forbid in case of emergency, she'd need to have it.

Totally understandable.

I, however, will only be about 2 bus stops away from my job once I move, so I came up with this:

Monday-Friday: Car stays home.

Friday Night-Sunday Night: I get the car.

Dad will be home on the weekends, so it's all good! I told my parents and they're all good with it. You can see how bad I wanna get out that I'm relenting to taking public transport.

::shudder::

Such is life. It's not a big deal to me because honestly, my friend and I even go to the same gym so I can always hitch a ride with her, which works!

With that obstacle now taken care of, the green light once again is on and the countdown begins!!

Till Then,
John Michael

Turn down the memories of yesteryears and broken dreams...

I think the thing that bothers me the most about my parents is how they always manage to take a happy situation in my life, that may not always be the most convenient for them, and turn it into a nest of negativity.

I'm moving out (again).

A friend of mine is buying a house and asked me if I wanted to room with her. I jumped at it because for what the house looks like and all the amenities, the price was MORE than right. And I can afford it too! Amazing.

When I told my father about it, he said that he totally thinks I can do it. My bills aren't that much these days and I'm making enough money that I can live without working JUST to pay for the rent.

So, happily, I told my friend it was all a green light.

Then yesterday my mother calls me at work (and why would ANYONE do this??) and says "So what's this about moving out?" and I said "I'm doing it." and she says "I dont think you can afford it."

Now, where is this coming from? And not only that, but I was having a HORRIFYING day at work yesterday and this really was the icing on the cake. I told her that I had NO desire to talk to her at that time and promptly hung up.

All of a sudden now (about 15 minutes ago), I was told by my father that ALL OF A SUDDEN he doesn't know if this is a good idea.

My theory: He tells my mom. Mom freaks. She comes up with a list of reasons as to why I can't do it. My dad drinks the kool-aid.

Here we are.

When I moved out the first time, mom freaked & cried and told me that she didn't want me to.

I did it anyway and it was great.

I'm doing it again and I don't care what anyone says.

My father says that because my nephew has to go to nursery school everyday come winter time that my mother is going to need the car.

Thanks to my sister, she has once again managed to f**k up everyone else's life and the plans that they want just so she can do what she wants.

I told my father to take the car. I don't care at this point.

I. WANT. OUT.

I've been bending over backwards for this family, re-arranging my schedule and dropping plans on short notice just to make sure I could do what I could to make up for my sister's short comings all to get a pat on the back and a smile.

Don't get me wrong. My family has been MORE than supportive in almost any venture I've taken on. I'm lucky and I know this.

Within the past 6 months or so, my family has been hit with alot of low blows, my mother's been through a gallbladder surgery, two carpal tunnel surgeries, not to mention my sister's constant reliance on us to pick up the slack that she lacks.

And bear in mind, I love my nephew more than I probably love anyone else on this planet. I'd take a bullet for him, but there has to come a time when reliance turns into dependance and dependance turns into inconvenience.

Maybe this is selfish but I feel like for way too long now, I've been living my life for everyone else and not ONCE has anyone asked me what *I* want. What *I* want to do and where *I* want to go.

And now, when I see that light at the end of the tunnel, to finally get away and have my own little corner of the world (which literally resides not even 5 minutes away from where I live now), they wanna take that away from me????

It's a little too much for me to take.

If it means I have no car, Im ready to make that sacrifice. Cell phone? Take it. Whatever it is you wanna take, you can have it.

I need to do this for myself and my own sanity.

Don't think ill of me for it.

Till Then,
John Michael

"Slowly drifting into a peaceful breeze. Tounge tied and twisted are all my memories. Celebrating a fantasy come true. Packing all my bags. Finally on the move. I'm leavin today. I'm living it, I'm leaving it to change..."
- Christina Aguilera "Cruz"

It's all I'm waiting for. I've never felt so sure...

Here's some cold hard facts: I'm getting older.

I know, I know, I can't believe it either.

I'm starting to get to the age now where things that didn't matter, do, and things that seemed so important aren't.

My parents are getting older. My nephew is getting older. Time just keeps ticking and I really see what people mean when they say you have to make the most out of life.

This could be a big reason why I've spent a good majority of my life avoiding the "big boy jobs" and Corporate America. Truthfully, as much as I do wanna make SICK money, I just don't know if I could deal with looking back at my life 20, 30 years from now and seeing that all I did was work. Aside from the occasional 3 or 4 day weekend and my one vacation I get a year.

Now, if you know me, you know I've never really been a worry-wart when it comes to just about anything. Granted, this is in large part due to the fact that I have an amazing family who, when push comes to shove, will bend over backwards for each other to help the other out. I got lucky like that.

And yes, my father has been an amazing provider and has worked SO hard for his family for so many years and retirement is right around the corner. That's awesome. NOW, at almost 60 he'll be able to have the time to do everything he ever wanted to but can he? He's gotten older, so has my mom, they can't do what they used to and I feel like that's just one of life little fuck-overs.

It's like "Hi. You've worked ALL your life and you've put so many hours into this big machine we call America and now, when you have ailments, arthritis and lack energy we'd like to reward you with some free time."

Well that just sucks out loud.

And I've done it. I've worked 2 different "9 to 5" jobs and both, as you can see, just didn't work out. It's just not who I am.

Does that make my future a little uncertain? Maybe even a lil harder to plan? Perhaps, but when have I NOT been up to a challenge?

As long as my bills get paid though, I don't see the big problem. Granted, I don't plan on being a receptionist at a hair salon for the rest of my life, but then again, I have no idea what will happen.

I like being able to move my schedule around to fit in vacations whenever I want. I can't imagine, because I've done it, spending all of my life waiting for 5PM, Friday night.

Now, I'm not knocking my 9 to 5-ers out there. Like I said, my dad is one of them. I guess that this goose just doesn't want what's good for the gander.

There are pro's and con's to this attitude I suppose. Most people will cry to me about pensions and 401K's and stuff like that and yes, I know that this is all well and good but the more important things to me have always been my health, my family, smiling, laughing and actually ENJOYING life and LIVING it instead of just working my way through it.

I have the rest of my life to put into the machine. I'm just not ready.

Perhaps I have the Peter Pan Syndrome and I just don't wanna grow up. I'm a Toys R Us kid.

Who knows? Whatever the reason is, it is who I am and for right now, it works in my life.

Whenever you read this, I urge you to go out and do something for yourself that makes you infinitely happy. Buy something, help someone, hug someone.

You'll thank me later.

Till Then,
John Michael

"I'm tired of laughing and I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of failing and I'm tired of all this trying. I wanna do some living cause I done enough dying. I just wanna dance! I just wanna fuckin DANCE!!!!!!"
- Jerry Springer: The Opera feat Alison Jiear "I Just Wanna Fuckin Dance" (Wayne G Mix)

La Isla Del Fuego...Last night I dreamt of some homo's...

For those of you who don't know, there is a little island of gay tranquility off the coast of Sayville, Long Island known as Fire Island.

For those of you who DO know, you'll have heard of a place called the Ice Palace.

For three years now I've been making my pilgrimages every season (it's only open a few months out of the year) and usually when I do, it's to DJ at the Ice Palace.

Fire Island is easily one of my most favorite places on earth. It's quaint and the "time goes by so slowly", as Madonna would say. Not only is it quaint but the majority of the people there are upwards of 30 and for the most part, the drama is nil.

The space at the Ice Palace is the largest space of all the clubs or bars on the island, be it Cherry Grove or The Pines and being able to DJ there makes me extremely happy. So, you can imagine that when I got the call from Jackie (the Ice Palace bar manager) a week ago to ask me to play there this past weekend, I jumped at it.

Prior to this I had always gone to DJ as a sidekick to a certain DJ but since She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and I are no longer talking, I've decided to make my way into doing it solo.

And it's working!!

Like Gina Gershon says in 'Showgirls': "There's always someone younger and hungrier coming down the stairs behind you".

Jackie had asked me to DJ two parties that Sat, one was a private 40th b-day party and then the other was their regular Sat night. The schedule would run 1-6, then a 3 hour break and then 9-2AM.

I spent all week preparing, making sure that I had everything anyone could've possibly wanted (except "Fired Up"!!! Sorry Sam!! lol) and 7 days and 9 CD books later, me, Phil and Sam made our way to The Island of Fire (La Isla Del Fuego lol).

What would end up happening, none of us were prepared for. Since I'm not in the business of spreading everyone's private life around, I'll just keep to my own story.

I'll glaze over the day and get to the interesting stuff.

The private party went great. Everyone had an awesome time and I was happy that I could keep people moving, especially when it's someone's birthday. I love the idea of playing such a big part in keep the mood light.

I went back to my room and napped (I drank a lil too much during the afternoon lol) and then I got ready and went back for the Sat night part which also went well. Everyone who was listening said I played a great set and that Jackie really liked me (she said so to me too) and odds are definitely in my favor to be back there in 2007!!! Im so excited about that!!!!

So as my set was winding down around 2, I was already hammered. Hey, it's Fire Island, I don't have to drive anywhere and this was basically my End Of The Summer blowout.

At 2, most of the bars in the Grove close but Sunsets By The Bay stays open for afterhours till 4-ish. So off to Sunsets we went, each one of us more drunk than the other.

There I am on the dance floor (and the music selection was a little odd) dancing with Phil and Sam and Shortie and some other loose cannons we know, and this man comes over and starts dancing with me. Yes, I mean man. I don't realize it then because of my state of intoxication, but this man is definitely a man, we're talking somewhere near 40, which is not OLD, but I just didn't realize it at the time.

He was having a great time and we were laughing and everything was going great. At this time also, I never had any intention of anything happening with anyone.

I ordered my normal Long Island Blue (Blue Long Island, Adios Motherfucker, Greatful Dead, whatever you wanna call em. The names always change wherever I go.) and I took three sips and realized something:

I'm gonna throw up in about 2 min.

I tell Sam and then shortly after excuse myself to make my way to the bathroom and engage in the 'Paula Abdul Diet'.

I wash my face and head back to the bar, beer in tow, cause I can think at this point is that there's room for more now. ::shaking head::

And then I wonder why these things happen, huh? But wait. It gets better.

So sometime around 4AM, all of us more than sufficiently balls to the wall drunk, we decide to walk to the beach. What else is there to do at this point?

Now, this is when things start to get fuzzy.

I remember 3 things:

1) Standing around with this entourage waiting for Shortie to go to the bathroom and me stumbling around saying "Where am I going?? Where am I going??" and this is just another example of how GAY I really am. As I'm saying "Where am I going", the guy I had been dancing with (who is with us, why? I dont know) turns around and starts singing "Where are you going...? Where are you going...?" which is the opening line from "By Your Side" from Godspell. I instantly got so excited, I started singing with him and slurred my way through the first verse and chorus.

That's right. He seduced me with show tunes.

Strangely enough, that's not even the first time that's happened. What can I say? I'm sucker for a good melody.

So now with visions of dancing Jesus' in my head, we make our way to the beach which leads to the second thing I remember...

2) I had asked this man for a cigarette and he in turn said it would cost a blow job. To any normal person, it would register to leave now because you can see which way things are about to go.

But to me and my beer goggles? I laugh it off and tell him that I doubt the cigarette would be THAT good that it would be worth that. I then clue him in on some information: "I just want you to know, I'm not going to sleep with you. I'm sorry if that upsets you or ruins your night and if you wanna try to find someone else to hook up with, I totally understand."

Drunk or not, I'm still some kind of a lady.

He tells me that it's admirable and that he's joking around and asks me if I'll "cuddle" with him.

::rolls eyes::

I say yes.

::slaps self::

3) The next thing I know, Im in a hotel room that is not mine, at the Ice Palace (and where are my friends at this point?? No clue.).

As Margaret Cho said, "Now, I'm kinda feeling like a John at the Mustang Ranch", as I'm sitting on the edge of the bed.

Now, not having had a drink in sometime, my brain is starting to get back to it's regularly scheduled defense mechanisms. Unfortunately not fast enough.

Things start to happen rather quickly and suffice to say, while my brain kicks back into first gear and the reality of the situation sets in, things have progressed a lil further than I anticipated.

Somewhere along the way he asks if he should go get protection to which I reply "I'm sorry, but no".

Now as I'm sobering up, I'm realizing just how not attracted to this man I am and I lose it. Literally. I tell him I'm just drunk and that he should finish.

He does, and when he does, the noise he makes is akin to a her of wilderbeasts dying in a stampede. I bit my lip as not to laugh. In all of his 40-some odd years, no one told him that was completely un-sexy?? Such is life.

So I pass out right after, and the time is somewhere close to 6AM.

Fast-forward to the morning after.

I open my eyes and look over and all I can think is "Oh god, What have I done?"

I contemplate sneaking out but then I think better of it. Oh, and did I mention that he works at the Ice Palace?? ::shakes head::

Shortly after I wake, he does and he's ready for round two. I however have three things on my mind: 1) Breakfast 2) Getting the hell out and 3) My friends (and where they might be).

I tell him I had a nice night but I do wanna get back to my room and collect myself.

This is when everything really hits me.

As I get out of bed, I look around the room trying to gather myself and I notice two things:

1) A bottle of Wild Turkey on the windowsill (that I swear wasn't there when I first got there)
2) A pair of cowboy boots

This upsets me. Name me anyone under the age of 50 you know this side of the Mason-Dixon line who drinks Wild Turkey!
And...uh...Cowboy Boots?? I hooked up with someone wearing cowboy boots??? Oh god. How did I NOT see that?? And really though, who walks on the beach in cowboy boots???

Ugh.

Did I also forget to mention that he does drag???? ::sigh::

Yup. That's right. The hero of this story hooked up with a cowboy boot wearin, Wild Turkey drinkin, drag queen.

I now wanna crawl into a hole and pull it in after me.

I leave and find my friends who are just about in the same state of mind that I am and we hang around for a bit and then make our way home.

Always an interesting ride I tell ya. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why I don't do random hook-ups. Nothing but trouble.

My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.

Till Then,
John Michael

"At first it was cute, but then something changed. I realized you are clearly deranged. Intense and obsessed, you're simply not well. So lose my address along with my cell. Emotional waste; an energy drain. The sight of your face is causing me pain. You're like a disease that runs through my veins. You're far worse for me than caffeine or cocaine..."
- Gioia Bruno "Wreckin My Nerves"

Dry your eyes and testify...

I feel like 9 times out of 10 when I am writing a blog, it's usually dealing with one of two subject matters: Men and Music.

This doesn't mean that I'm obsessed just more that this is just most of what goes on in my life.

So be it. Here's another story. Tell me if you get it.

Picture It. Coloseeum Nightclub in Sayerville, NJ. Last Tuesday.

Me and Sam go there to hang out and see the drag show hosted by Princess Janae (and does anyone ever tire of seeing her??). Every thing is going well and we're having a great time. I actually spent a good majority of my night talking to this guy Ron and his friend _______ (I can't recall his name but I remember he had laryngitis) about Diva's of pop music.

Do you see the Men and Music connection now? lol

Next thing I know Sam grabs me and says "Hey, this guy is gonna buy us shots!"

Well, you only have to say Free Alcohol once and we were both there.

Ugh. Tequila shots.

I recognize one of the guys as the manager of one of our dinner chain restaurants. Now keep in mind I was attracted to him when I had first seen him at work and now I actually was going to get the chance to engage him in convo.

We start talking and the conversation moves quickly and smoothly. I'm really enjoying his company by the time it's last call and it's time to go.

We make our way to our cars (conveniently parked next to one another) and he asks me when I'm going to stop in to his restaurant. I said I would try sometime later this week but that I was working so I didn't know when.

Him: Can I get your number?
Me: Sure. ***-***-****
His Friend (in the passenger seat): Do you guys wanna come back to our place for a bit? We live about 5 minutes from here.
Me: ::look at Sam:: Wanna?
Sam: Sure!
Me: Ok, we'll follow you.

We do.

We get inside and we part ways. Sam to chat it up with his friend and me and my guy talking in the living room.

Did I mention he's British? Yeah. Loving the accent.

So we're watching AbFab (naturally) and again, I'm really enjoying his company. The convo continues and then after some time Sam and his friend reappear and it's time to go.

Me: Well, it was nice. I guess I'll ttyl!
Him: Yeah absolutely.

We kiss.

While on the ride home, the following text conversation. Some of this may be paraphrased.

Me: Just wanted to say again that I had a really nice time with you tonight. I'll give you a call tomorrow.
Him: Me too. Really pleasant company although I wish you would've kissed me earlier lol.
Me: Well, I wasn't too sure what you were thinking and it's not my nature to attack people lol. Now that I know, hopefully I'll be able to get a chance again.
Him: That would be absolutely fabulous.

Cute.

Next Day.

I call around 2 when I get to work: "Hey, it's John. Just wanted to see what was going on. I just got to work but gimme a call when you get a chance."

I get out of work and I decide to meet up with my friend to get a drink in the city.

Somewhere around 9:00 while driving I get a text thats says: "Hey john, Im sorry I didn't call you earlier but I slept really late today."

Alright.

I said that it was fine but that I was goin out and my phone was dying (it was) and would he be up late so I could call him later? He said that he would be and that it was fine. Have fun and I'll ttyl!

So I go out and have a fun night and somewhere around 1 AM I come home, having charged my phone in my friends car, and I text him to see if he's still up. I figured it's 1 AM and it's possible I might've missed him.

I text. No reply. I wait till I get home (about 30 min later) and now I'm guessing he is sleeping so I text again: "Guess not lol. Im goin to bed. Give me a call tomorrow."

The next day.

I wake up in the morning, no texts back. No call. No biggie, really.

I get up and I go to work and go about my normal day. Later on in the day I knew I was going by a friends house to sort out some problems we had been having so my night was pretty much planned out. I also figured that this would be the last time I would try to get in touch with him. As it was, I felt like I was trying too hard for someone who seemed so interested at first.

After work (around 10:00) I called again. He was on the other line cause I heard the beeping noise when I called.

Left another voicemail: "Hey it's John! Just wanted to see what was up. Gimme a call if you get a chance."

Somewhere around 12:30:

(Texted)
Him: Hey. You up?
Me: Yup yup.
Him: What you doin?
Me: At a friends house watching Prison Break. You?
Him: Just lying in bed watching Family Guy.
Me: Can you talk?
Him: yes why?
Me: I mean, on the phone?
Him: Yes, im alone as always. I can talk.

So I call him.

The conversation that followed was strange and almost drawn out. There were alot of long pauses and alot of me saying "Hello...?"

So now, I'm pretty much guessing that he's not as interested as he seemed.

So I start to prod him a little to figure out exactly what's going on. You're either wasting my time here or something serious has happened.

He tells me that he's been in a mood all day because he just stopped talking to one of his "friends". He tells me who it is and it's someone I know but I myself am not too fond of. Being that it's not my place to say anything and he seems upset, I just try to sympathize. I told him that if he didn't wanna talk about it, we didn't have to.

Now, at this point I'm guessing that his "friend" and him were a little more than friends. I'm hoping he doesn't take me for a fool, so I called him out on it.

I asked him if this person and him were dating or hooking up or something because of how upset he is. I was answered with a little bit of silence and an aversion: "Needless to say...we're not talking anymore..."

I thought so.

Basically by now, I'm pretty resigned of the whole thing and I'm shrugging my shoulders.

But I trudge on with the conversation.

I even go as far to see if he still wanted to meet up maybe for drinks or conversation. You know me, I can never have too many friends lol.

He says that he's working till midnight tomorrow (last night) and I asked if maybe after that he wanted to grab a drink or something.

Him: At midnight? Isn't that a little late?
Me: Well, I'm used to crazy hours between DJing and whatnot and also just because I'm a night person. I don't usually work till 2:00 so I sleep in anyway.
Him: Well, I'll be coming home from work at that time.
Me: Ok, do you want me to come by your house or do you wanna go out? Stay in? Whatever...It's cool...
Him: You wanna come by my house?
Me: If it's easier...?
Him: ::silence::...Ya know, i'm not that kinda guy.
Me: ::stunned silence::...What kinda guy are you talking about?
Him: I don't just invite guys to my house and stuff.

That statement feels weird because the first night I met him that's exactly what he did. But I digress and let it slide.

Me: Please don't misunderstand. I'm not coming over to sleep with you. That is hardly on my agenda. At the very most you'll get some kisses out of the whole thing but I'm not coming by to sleep with you OR spend the night. That may be how alot of guys work but I'm not one of them.
Him: Well, that makes me feel a little more comfortable.
Me: Ok and honestly, if you don't wanna meet up, we don't have to. I feel like I'm forcing you to do something you don't actually wanna do.
Him: If there's one thing you should know about me, I don't do anything I don't wanna do.
Me: Ok, so I guess that's a good thing...so what DO you wanna do?
Him: There's a bar on Staten Island I go to to get some drinks after work called The Clubhouse.
Me: ::hysterical laughter::
Him: Why is that funny?
Me: You know the hair salon next door?
Him: Yeah.
Me: That's where I work.
Him: Get out!
Me: Yeah.

Now keep in mind that this is one of those neighborhood bars that has people walking in and out of it (drunk) at 2 in the afternoon. It's like a glorified frat house and the clientele are, how can I put it? , not the classiest of people.

Even still, I agreed to meet him but I ended the phone call because I was still at my friends house and being really rude.

He told me to call him tomorrow (yesterday) so we could figure everything out for tomorrow night (last night).

Fine.

By this point, I'm slowly losing interest because I feel like there's just alot of strangeness surrounding the situation.

I call around 12:00 in the afternoon because we both had work at 2. No answer. I leave another voicemail.

Somewhere around 10:30 at night I get a text: "Hey John. How are you? We are going to have to make it another night. I've come down with a cold. Sorry."

.......

Right. And just like that, I'm over it.

I reply "It's all good! Feel better! Call me whenever!"

::rolls eyes::

What I don't get is, why go through all that trouble and stuff. Be straight up! Tell me what's going on. Why lead someone on?

Ah well. Like my friend David said, "You don't owe each other anything at this point", which is true but it's just all so strange to me.

Such is life.

Next!

"It's true. We're all a little insane. But it's oh so clear now that I am unchained..."
- Evanescence "Sweet Sacrifice"

Another Suitcase In Another Hall

Hello everyone!

So this is probably my 4th journal. As the years pass, I seem to go through all the different mediums of blogging that are available: Notebooks (back in the day), Live Journal, Friendster and most recently (the evil wicked addiction that is) MySpace, but now since two of my friends are on this Blogger site, I figured I'd jump aboard since I know I'm in good company.

There will be more posted later but as of right now, I must go to work... :(

"And with the power of conviction, there is no sacrifice." - Pat Benatar