If someone said 3 years from now...?
Last night marked a milestone in my life. It's something that I'm sure in the back of my mind I always knew would eventually happen (time has a funny way of securing that) but I guess I never really believed it myself.
I'm getting ahead of myself though...
A long time ago in a far far away place there were two boys, John & Ryan (aka me and my ex-bf).
I can still remember in the minute I met him, my heart had skipped a beat and I had fallen all over myself and him in all those Hallmark kind of ways. It was love for me. The closest thing I've ever felt to real love.
In the year that would follow I would be involved with one of the nicest, most caring and gentle man I would ever come across in my life. The fact that he looked like he fell out of an Abercrombie & Fitch catalog was a great bonus.
"You took my hand. You showed me how. You promised me you'd be around..."
I was sure that when I was with him that there was nowhere else on earth that I wanted to be. This was the kind of love that I could feel all over my body. Everytime he looked at me, it was like little darts had hit me all over and I was tingling. I had surely never experienced anything like ti and even to this day, I can't say that I have.
I got close to it with a more recent ex, but in hindsight, it was just different. There are no real words to describe it.
"I took your words and I believed in everything you said to me..."
The two of us had gone to a same-sex wedding expo and I guess in school-boy fashion, had our highest hopes and expectations for the brightest future together we could ever want with one another. My dreams it seemed were endless. His however (and by no fault of anyone's, even his own) had started to shift.
The boat had started rocking somewhere in our relationship, and I couldn't even point out where it happened if I tried. Our schedules changed. I got a new job, so did he. We worked completely seperate hours and the time we did have was like trying to hold on to sand forever.
Even to this day I couldn't really tell you what had happened. We drifted, feelings changed. I, the ever-constant dreamer, had hoped that things would work out for the best but I guess secretly in the inner most reaches of my heart, I knew all along that I was doomed to lose him.
Somewhere around a year later, things were unravelling quickly. We started bickering. The time, as I had said, for us to spend together was far and few inbetween and it didn't help but chip away at the foundation of us.
"When someone said 'count your blessings now before they're long gone'. I guess I just didn't know how. I was all wrong. They knew better, still you said 'forever and ever'. Who knew...?"
He fell out of love with me. That realization felt like I was hit with a bag of nickels. And really, how can you fight that? Feelings aren't tangible. It's not something you can touch or mold, it's either all of nothing. There's really no gray area.
But when it all broke, and strangely enough it was MY idea, I broke. The fighting had gotten to be too much. I couldn't concentrate in my daily life. It felt like there was always this 'thing' hanging in the air. Neither one of us really wanting to say anything or do anything but all along knowing the time was ticking down.
I told him that maybe we should split for awhile and see how things were. He agreed.
"If someone said three years from now you'd be long gone, I'd stand up and punch them out cause they're all wrong. I know better cause you said forever and ever. Who knew...?"
I couldn't believe what I had just said, but there it was. It was on the table I couldn't take it back. I tried to give him his space, but failed miserably at it. When I saw that days were passing and there was no contact between us my mind starting hitting the panic button and I became a man possessed. Nothing else had mattered to me.
The thing that I realized later on is that that kind of love just isn't safe. You can never place your own happiness into someone's hands the way that I did. Yes, falling in love makes you vulnerable and you have to be in order to really enjoy and appreciate it, but you need to keep some sense of self.
I had given out so much of myself, I hadn't left myself enough to get by on and when I had nothing in the end, I felt incredibly empty.
"I'll keep you locked in my head until we meet again..."
After that, everything snowballed. Within a month, I lost my boyfriend, my apartment, my car and eventually my job. I started f**king up at work and then the panic attacks started.
I didn't know what they were at the time, I just knew that every once in awhile, my heart would start racing, my hands would get clammy and I would be sweating like Paris Hilton at the S.A.T.'s.
This was territory I had never entered and didn't have a map for. Me, being stubborn put off getting checked out, because I've never really been one to rely on anyone or anything.
When I finally did go get checked out, I was told I had an anxiety disorder and my doctor wanted to prescribe me a little happy. It was the definite last slap in the face I could handle.
There was nothing else that could've been taken away from me. My relationship, car, job, apartment and now my own body was going to give up on me?? It was just too much.
I remember the night it all came to a head. I was at the apartment with my best friend David and I literally had a complete mental breakdown. I couldn't control myself. I was pacing and rambling, hysterically crying all the way, to the point where I couldn't breathe. It literally felt like Roseanne Barr was sitting on my chest and I couldn't get away. For about three hours I went on and on and Lord only knows what I was saying but I doubt it made sense.
David just stared at me blankly. It was quite possibly the lowest point in my life and I usually reserve such private moments for myself. He didn't offer any advice because I didn't need it, nor do I think I would've been able to comprehend anything. I know it must've been a jarring thing for him to see.
A few months passed.
I moved home, found another job and tried to go forward with my life. There were many a night I would cry myself to sleep but moving home was the best thing. I had too many memories in that apartment for me to live there and being home felt safe and secure. A new slate.
"I won't forget you, my friend. What happened...?"
Again, being the stalwart I am, I tried to maintain some kind of friendship with Ryan. At first I said I couldn't, then I second guessed myself and wanted to try. I didn't know how to deal with not having him in my life at all.
Miserable with him. Miserable without him.
God bless technology. I can remember that it was New Years Eve the night I found out that Ryan had indeed moved on from us and was dating.
I had gotten ready to go out NYE and was done early and waiting for my friends to come pick me up to wherever we were going. Killing time I had logged into my Friendster account and was just going through people's pages. I checked his and there it was.
Marital Status: In a relationship.
My hands started shaking and I was about to have a panic attack. I instantly called David cause he was always the person who was able to talk me through this stuff.
He managed to calm me down and suffice to say I don't really remember that NYE probably because I got amazingly intoxicated.
With my new found information, I was determined to start the new year off in a somewhat good way. I told him I wanted to give it a go at a friendship. He said he was down for such an arrangement and everything was fine....or was it?
"Remember when we were such fools and so convinced and just too cool...?"
I found myself once again waiting for his phone calls and cherishing the sound of his voice on the other line...even when he had told me about his new boyfriend, Adolfo.
In some strange way I figured that if this was what it took, I was gonna try my damndest to beat the odds here. I even went as far as to hanging out with Ryan and Adolfo one night (me, bringing David, just in case of anything lol).
I met him and the reality was like a slap in the face. I wanted to hate Adolfo so much. He was getting everything I had ever wanted and while on the outside I was fine. Calm, cool and collected, never showing my hand. In truth though, I had actually gotten along with him and he seemed like a nice person.
More time passed. It was eating away at me. I didn't know how long I could keep up this facade. It became mentally and physically draining and I knew that I would have to end it. Something like this needed more time to heal and I would have to tell him.
There were alot of scheduling conflicts then at the time and I didn't want to do it over the phone. Fate had a way of intervening and it all took place the Coloseeum Nightclub in NJ. Ugh.
I remember walking in and running into my friend Joey and he said "Oh, I just saw Ryan." and I was like "Ryan who?", not thinking in a million years he would be there. It just wasn't one of his hangouts. He said "Your Ryan". And instantly I wanted to vomit. I knew then that this would end up being the night. Who knew when I would get the chance again?
I went over, said my hello's and even danced with him and his friends a little bit. I didn't want to ruin anyone's night. I on the other hand was trying to consume as much alcohol as possible.
By the end of the night, I told him that I wanted to talk to him and could I walk him to his car?
When we got there, he knew that something was up, and I proceeded to spill my heart out. I did exactly what I didn't want to do: I broke down crying. I remember everything like it just happened last night. That was the night I watched a piece of my heart and indirectly a piece of me, get into a car and drive away. Never knowing whether or not I would ever get it back.
"That last kiss, I'll cherish until we meet again. And time makes it harder. I wish I could remember. But I'll keep your memory. You visit me in my sleep. My darling, who knew...?"
That was 3 years ago. Alot has happened in that time and alot of men have come in and out of my life. For awhile I didn't wanna date. I didn't know how to. Everything after this had just seemed trite and felt like a waste of time. I didn't like the idea of leading anyone on into thinking I was ready to settle down again when I knew I wasn't.
A few dates here and a few there until I decided to stop dating for sometime. The addage is true, time really does heal everything.
"Until we meet again..."
About a month or so ago, I had decided that I was more than ok to open up those doors of communication once again. He had meant so much to me in so many ways, why shouldn't we be friends? I'm friends with a bunch of my ex's. If I once shared something so close, special and intimate with someone, it doesn't just go away. There was once a bond there and that's something you keep with someone. The human experience is divine like that.
We played Friendster and phone tag for awhile and then fast forward (rewind?) to yesterday.
He called me while I was at work and we talked for a little bit. The first thing that stunned me was how instantly comfortable I felt again but in a different way. My scars had healed over and all that was left was my original admiration of this man as a friend and as a person. He's still the same good, goofy guy I had met and fallen in love with but it's all shown to me in a different light.
I'm beyond thrilled to say that he's still with Adolfo and they've become so settled in their lives and in their ways. He deserves all the happiness that life has to offer and if Adolfo can grow with him and make him a better person than he should be able to enjoy all the things that Ryan has to offer.
I went to the city last night with some friends for a drink and was only a couple of blocks away from his place so I called him and invited him down for a drink or two. When I saw him across the street from the bar heading my way, I didn't get my normal feeling of butterflies. A big smile made it's way across my face and it was like putting on your favorite pair of shoes again.
I knew that this was the right time and the right moment. Everything led up to then. We weren't meant to be together in that way but this felt so right. He meant the world to me as a friend and it's great to have that friend back.
Finding someone who 'gets you' in this life is a rarity. Some of us are blessed with only one. I've been blessed with a few. My 3 closest friends fall into that group and Ryan fits in just as well.
Sure, we may not be able to see each other ALL the time and we're both involved in different things, but when all is said and done, I know that he'll be there at the other end of the telephone when I call and that's good enough.
Add this to the list of realizations I make as I get older and I go through life. It's a crazy winding road, but I have the best company for the trip.
I wouldn't have it any other way.
Ryan, my friend, I love you with all my heart and will always be here for you...even though I may lose you sometimes mid-sentence...just say "leotard" and what the f**k??...and you're back! Haha! Or as Terry Bighouse says: Bongo Bad Boy!!!!
Till Then,
John Michael
* All quotes from "Who Knew" by Pink
I'm getting ahead of myself though...
A long time ago in a far far away place there were two boys, John & Ryan (aka me and my ex-bf).
I can still remember in the minute I met him, my heart had skipped a beat and I had fallen all over myself and him in all those Hallmark kind of ways. It was love for me. The closest thing I've ever felt to real love.
In the year that would follow I would be involved with one of the nicest, most caring and gentle man I would ever come across in my life. The fact that he looked like he fell out of an Abercrombie & Fitch catalog was a great bonus.
"You took my hand. You showed me how. You promised me you'd be around..."
I was sure that when I was with him that there was nowhere else on earth that I wanted to be. This was the kind of love that I could feel all over my body. Everytime he looked at me, it was like little darts had hit me all over and I was tingling. I had surely never experienced anything like ti and even to this day, I can't say that I have.
I got close to it with a more recent ex, but in hindsight, it was just different. There are no real words to describe it.
"I took your words and I believed in everything you said to me..."
The two of us had gone to a same-sex wedding expo and I guess in school-boy fashion, had our highest hopes and expectations for the brightest future together we could ever want with one another. My dreams it seemed were endless. His however (and by no fault of anyone's, even his own) had started to shift.
The boat had started rocking somewhere in our relationship, and I couldn't even point out where it happened if I tried. Our schedules changed. I got a new job, so did he. We worked completely seperate hours and the time we did have was like trying to hold on to sand forever.
Even to this day I couldn't really tell you what had happened. We drifted, feelings changed. I, the ever-constant dreamer, had hoped that things would work out for the best but I guess secretly in the inner most reaches of my heart, I knew all along that I was doomed to lose him.
Somewhere around a year later, things were unravelling quickly. We started bickering. The time, as I had said, for us to spend together was far and few inbetween and it didn't help but chip away at the foundation of us.
"When someone said 'count your blessings now before they're long gone'. I guess I just didn't know how. I was all wrong. They knew better, still you said 'forever and ever'. Who knew...?"
He fell out of love with me. That realization felt like I was hit with a bag of nickels. And really, how can you fight that? Feelings aren't tangible. It's not something you can touch or mold, it's either all of nothing. There's really no gray area.
But when it all broke, and strangely enough it was MY idea, I broke. The fighting had gotten to be too much. I couldn't concentrate in my daily life. It felt like there was always this 'thing' hanging in the air. Neither one of us really wanting to say anything or do anything but all along knowing the time was ticking down.
I told him that maybe we should split for awhile and see how things were. He agreed.
"If someone said three years from now you'd be long gone, I'd stand up and punch them out cause they're all wrong. I know better cause you said forever and ever. Who knew...?"
I couldn't believe what I had just said, but there it was. It was on the table I couldn't take it back. I tried to give him his space, but failed miserably at it. When I saw that days were passing and there was no contact between us my mind starting hitting the panic button and I became a man possessed. Nothing else had mattered to me.
The thing that I realized later on is that that kind of love just isn't safe. You can never place your own happiness into someone's hands the way that I did. Yes, falling in love makes you vulnerable and you have to be in order to really enjoy and appreciate it, but you need to keep some sense of self.
I had given out so much of myself, I hadn't left myself enough to get by on and when I had nothing in the end, I felt incredibly empty.
"I'll keep you locked in my head until we meet again..."
After that, everything snowballed. Within a month, I lost my boyfriend, my apartment, my car and eventually my job. I started f**king up at work and then the panic attacks started.
I didn't know what they were at the time, I just knew that every once in awhile, my heart would start racing, my hands would get clammy and I would be sweating like Paris Hilton at the S.A.T.'s.
This was territory I had never entered and didn't have a map for. Me, being stubborn put off getting checked out, because I've never really been one to rely on anyone or anything.
When I finally did go get checked out, I was told I had an anxiety disorder and my doctor wanted to prescribe me a little happy. It was the definite last slap in the face I could handle.
There was nothing else that could've been taken away from me. My relationship, car, job, apartment and now my own body was going to give up on me?? It was just too much.
I remember the night it all came to a head. I was at the apartment with my best friend David and I literally had a complete mental breakdown. I couldn't control myself. I was pacing and rambling, hysterically crying all the way, to the point where I couldn't breathe. It literally felt like Roseanne Barr was sitting on my chest and I couldn't get away. For about three hours I went on and on and Lord only knows what I was saying but I doubt it made sense.
David just stared at me blankly. It was quite possibly the lowest point in my life and I usually reserve such private moments for myself. He didn't offer any advice because I didn't need it, nor do I think I would've been able to comprehend anything. I know it must've been a jarring thing for him to see.
A few months passed.
I moved home, found another job and tried to go forward with my life. There were many a night I would cry myself to sleep but moving home was the best thing. I had too many memories in that apartment for me to live there and being home felt safe and secure. A new slate.
"I won't forget you, my friend. What happened...?"
Again, being the stalwart I am, I tried to maintain some kind of friendship with Ryan. At first I said I couldn't, then I second guessed myself and wanted to try. I didn't know how to deal with not having him in my life at all.
Miserable with him. Miserable without him.
God bless technology. I can remember that it was New Years Eve the night I found out that Ryan had indeed moved on from us and was dating.
I had gotten ready to go out NYE and was done early and waiting for my friends to come pick me up to wherever we were going. Killing time I had logged into my Friendster account and was just going through people's pages. I checked his and there it was.
Marital Status: In a relationship.
My hands started shaking and I was about to have a panic attack. I instantly called David cause he was always the person who was able to talk me through this stuff.
He managed to calm me down and suffice to say I don't really remember that NYE probably because I got amazingly intoxicated.
With my new found information, I was determined to start the new year off in a somewhat good way. I told him I wanted to give it a go at a friendship. He said he was down for such an arrangement and everything was fine....or was it?
"Remember when we were such fools and so convinced and just too cool...?"
I found myself once again waiting for his phone calls and cherishing the sound of his voice on the other line...even when he had told me about his new boyfriend, Adolfo.
In some strange way I figured that if this was what it took, I was gonna try my damndest to beat the odds here. I even went as far as to hanging out with Ryan and Adolfo one night (me, bringing David, just in case of anything lol).
I met him and the reality was like a slap in the face. I wanted to hate Adolfo so much. He was getting everything I had ever wanted and while on the outside I was fine. Calm, cool and collected, never showing my hand. In truth though, I had actually gotten along with him and he seemed like a nice person.
More time passed. It was eating away at me. I didn't know how long I could keep up this facade. It became mentally and physically draining and I knew that I would have to end it. Something like this needed more time to heal and I would have to tell him.
There were alot of scheduling conflicts then at the time and I didn't want to do it over the phone. Fate had a way of intervening and it all took place the Coloseeum Nightclub in NJ. Ugh.
I remember walking in and running into my friend Joey and he said "Oh, I just saw Ryan." and I was like "Ryan who?", not thinking in a million years he would be there. It just wasn't one of his hangouts. He said "Your Ryan". And instantly I wanted to vomit. I knew then that this would end up being the night. Who knew when I would get the chance again?
I went over, said my hello's and even danced with him and his friends a little bit. I didn't want to ruin anyone's night. I on the other hand was trying to consume as much alcohol as possible.
By the end of the night, I told him that I wanted to talk to him and could I walk him to his car?
When we got there, he knew that something was up, and I proceeded to spill my heart out. I did exactly what I didn't want to do: I broke down crying. I remember everything like it just happened last night. That was the night I watched a piece of my heart and indirectly a piece of me, get into a car and drive away. Never knowing whether or not I would ever get it back.
"That last kiss, I'll cherish until we meet again. And time makes it harder. I wish I could remember. But I'll keep your memory. You visit me in my sleep. My darling, who knew...?"
That was 3 years ago. Alot has happened in that time and alot of men have come in and out of my life. For awhile I didn't wanna date. I didn't know how to. Everything after this had just seemed trite and felt like a waste of time. I didn't like the idea of leading anyone on into thinking I was ready to settle down again when I knew I wasn't.
A few dates here and a few there until I decided to stop dating for sometime. The addage is true, time really does heal everything.
"Until we meet again..."
About a month or so ago, I had decided that I was more than ok to open up those doors of communication once again. He had meant so much to me in so many ways, why shouldn't we be friends? I'm friends with a bunch of my ex's. If I once shared something so close, special and intimate with someone, it doesn't just go away. There was once a bond there and that's something you keep with someone. The human experience is divine like that.
We played Friendster and phone tag for awhile and then fast forward (rewind?) to yesterday.
He called me while I was at work and we talked for a little bit. The first thing that stunned me was how instantly comfortable I felt again but in a different way. My scars had healed over and all that was left was my original admiration of this man as a friend and as a person. He's still the same good, goofy guy I had met and fallen in love with but it's all shown to me in a different light.
I'm beyond thrilled to say that he's still with Adolfo and they've become so settled in their lives and in their ways. He deserves all the happiness that life has to offer and if Adolfo can grow with him and make him a better person than he should be able to enjoy all the things that Ryan has to offer.
I went to the city last night with some friends for a drink and was only a couple of blocks away from his place so I called him and invited him down for a drink or two. When I saw him across the street from the bar heading my way, I didn't get my normal feeling of butterflies. A big smile made it's way across my face and it was like putting on your favorite pair of shoes again.
I knew that this was the right time and the right moment. Everything led up to then. We weren't meant to be together in that way but this felt so right. He meant the world to me as a friend and it's great to have that friend back.
Finding someone who 'gets you' in this life is a rarity. Some of us are blessed with only one. I've been blessed with a few. My 3 closest friends fall into that group and Ryan fits in just as well.
Sure, we may not be able to see each other ALL the time and we're both involved in different things, but when all is said and done, I know that he'll be there at the other end of the telephone when I call and that's good enough.
Add this to the list of realizations I make as I get older and I go through life. It's a crazy winding road, but I have the best company for the trip.
I wouldn't have it any other way.
Ryan, my friend, I love you with all my heart and will always be here for you...even though I may lose you sometimes mid-sentence...just say "leotard" and what the f**k??...and you're back! Haha! Or as Terry Bighouse says: Bongo Bad Boy!!!!
Till Then,
John Michael
* All quotes from "Who Knew" by Pink
posted by DJ John Michael at 12:48 PM
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