The Reasons Why...

Because I know you're reading this.

Because I know that you just can't help yourself.

Because of the way you treat people.

Because I did everything I could for you.

Because as an adult, you have the mental capacity of a child.

Because you tried to make me your scapegoat.

Because everyone really knows the truth.

Because I know I'm a better person.

Because you play mind games with people who loved and cared for you.

Because you're going to end up a lonely lonely person.

Because I actually feel sorry for you.

Because you have no concscience.

Because my life is better without you.

Because I know I get under your skin.

Because I can't and won't be fake to you.

Because I'm not scared of you.

Because you look like a fool.

These are only a few of of the reasons why I'm letting it go. A few of the reasons why I won't indulge you in your little world of insanity. A mere few of the reasons why I can still hold my head up high and not care anymore.

You are beyond meaningless and I'm beyond you. I'm beyond all of it. And this is the last you will ever hear of it.

Good luck in your life. I wish you well...

Till Then,
John Michael

Vacation's All I Ever Wanted

I've decided (due to a suggestion by my best friend Chris, to make another blog having to do with my DJing and music, since that seems to be kicking off a bit these days. In lieu of that, I probably won't be writing as much here for the time being...

Check out: http://djjohnmichael.blogspot.com/

~ John Michael ~

An Update

So there I am, sitting at work on Tuesday and BAM! I get a text message from a number I don't know.

Wouldn't you know it? It's Phil, the hot Cuban guy I was just writing about. And wouldn't you know it? His name is WILL not Phil! LOL...Either it was too loud or I was too drunk (I could've sworn he said Phil tho).

He said how nice it was to meet me, that he was looking forward to our birthday party and closed it "Now you have my number... Will."

So I replied something along the lines of "Yes, I had a nice time and are you going out this week?"

He said No because he had a friend coming in from Miami.

I said that I might go to Bank Saturday night cause Junior is playing.

He said he'd let me know later in the week.

Very simple and that's that. While I am surprised to actually hear from him, I don't really see this going anywhere.

I also have a side project lol.

I think I spotted a "gay" at my Citibank lol! Hah!

When we walked in we had that 4 seconds of eye contact where in your head you think "I know and you know. And I know that you know that I know. And you know that I know that you know. And we just know." and I looked away.

We did the catch-eye-contact-smile-then-look-away thing while another teller was helping me and when I was walking out, I turned around to look and he was lookin at me....

Smile. Turn away.

So I went back the following day (yesterday) to make a deposit. He was there again and we had our volley again and I left.

The problem is, I can only think of so many excuses to go to the bank and I don't need any new accounts!

Ah well! As the world turns I guess...

That's all!

Till Then,
John Michael

"Where are the boys? It's like I'm a car that's gone out for a ride with no driver inside. Can't you see that I'm just like a kite; When the wind slows I crash into the ground cause I'm alone right now. Can someone give me a clue? Where are the boys??"
- Stefy "Where Are The Boys?"

Me & Wanda: The Picture

Just because everyone's been asking me. This is the one from my camera phone. Obviously not the best camera in the world. There's another pic like I said, but I'm waiting to get that one from Mary's friend...







"We spend billions of dollars on a space program, for what? So they can give us a mattress that we can jump on without spilling our wine?? C'mon man! You gotta gimme more than THAT! Then they turn around and say 'You know, there used to be water on the moon!'...::looking around::...I'm sorry. Are you talking to ME? Cause I really don't give a f**k! Did you know that there used to be vodka in this glass...?? Now, why don't you write up a little paper on THAT!"
- from "Wanda Sykes: Sick & Tired"

It's just another saturday night with Mr. Almost not Mr. Right...

At the risk of sounding like a Carrie Bradshaw voice over from Sex & The City, I kinda wonder sometimes... Where has all the romance gone in dating?

Have we just given up on the idea of a real ever-after or are we just looking for that instant satisfaction of a fumbled hour or so in the dark?

The reason why I ask this is not only because of personal experience (Lord knows I've been on some bad dates lately) but because of what I've seen and heard from others in the same boat as me.

For instance: I have a friend who just got out of a serious relationship. He didn't exactly take it very well and he's (finally!) just got back into the dating game. He told me his story of the great guys he met on Sat night (yes, two of them), but one lives in Maryland (I've been down THAT road before!) and the other one is a little younger, but adorable.

The younger one he invited over last night for a get together we were having. He decided to make Sunday dinner and me and about 5 of me guy friends came by to have some wine, BS and generally discuss the Gays Of Our Lives this week. Hah!

However, when this kid showed up later on after dinner, not only was he standoff-ish, but he was borderline rude. He walks in, barely says hi to any of us, not counting the head nod he gave when my friend was introducing us all, and then spent the next 20 minutes in the kitchen on the phone with one of his friends.

Now, call me old fashioned, but anytime I was ever going to meet a guy that I had met's friends, I was always MORE than polite and overly friendly. There's only one chance for that first impression. So when he finally did join us all to watch a bootleg of The Devil Wears Prada (yup! We're THAT gay!), we were already over him.

My friend however seemed unphased by his behavior and then spent all night cuddling and kissing our silent friend. We, on the other hand, were all taking our bets with one another via text messages lol...

Granted, I myself was pretty relaxed and a little quiet due to the full bottle of Shiraz I finished off by myself, but even at my quietest I was more engaging than him.

I don't know about you, but I find that kind of behavior off-putting and I would've definitely said something, but alas, it's not me we're talking about.

It just gets me because it seems that this type of situation is almost acceptable these days. That we've gotten to the point where gay men seem to have a big problem relating to one another in a way other than sex or friendship. Even though alot of times, those lines themselves seem to get blurry.

Another friend of mine is in a relationship and has been for about 5 months now. When they're together, they look like the cutest couple, but one half wants to spend more alone time and the other one always wants to hang out with his friends WITH the boyfriend too. And that's fine, but that half doesn't seem to recognize the problem the other is having with this. I've talked my friend through alot of frustrations with this, because I do believe that they do care about each other alot, but it just seems weird to me.

How many times can you discuss the same problem with no resolution?

Or should I say, when is enough, enough?

Last night while I was out at Cielo in NYC (Junior Vasquez: The Twilo Sessions--AMAZING!), I was approached by this very attractive, shirtless man, named Paul. He saw me singing along to one of the songs Junior was playing and wanted to know the name of it. We then started a conversation which was moving along smoothly, even though I could tell he wasn't in the most sober of situations, and strange enough, we were both planning on going to the same party in February because it was the start of our birthday weeks.

The Saturday before my birthday, Junior is doing a "10 Years Of Arena" anniversary and to say I'm excited is an understatement. When he said he was going there for his b-day too, I asked when his was and wouldn't you know, it's the same day as mine! Huh!

So we chatted and I found out he was in fact "partying" a bit, which I can't condemn only because I've done enough drugs in my life to kill El Salvador, but him being 4 years older than me and still doing it (not even at a BIG event) was a little bothersome to me.

Paul is 30 years old, Cuban (Hottttt!), and an Actor/Cater Waiter (Yes David, ANOTHER waiter!!!) and he lives in NYC. He took my number because he said he wanted to call me cause I was SO cute and blah blah blah...

Who knows really? But I doubt anything will happen. Besides, do I really want to get involved with someone who's "partying" on random weekends of unimportance? I've seen that movie before and I know how it ends.

What can I say? This is just another scene in the cinema of myself.

Gay men always seems to do the things that they say they hate that other men do. Out of one corner of their mouth they want the house with the white picket fence, 2.5 kids, a dog and a partridge in a pear tree, but then on the other corner of their mouth, they wanna be plowed (or plow someone else) every night of the week.

I feel like we are our own worst enemy sometimes.

Fellas, decide which side of the fence you're on get back to me. I think we'd all have alot more respect for one another if we did...

Till Then,
John Michael

"My analyst stressed, 'Lady, this could take years!'. He says I'm depressed from having suppressed my innermost fears. And so I pay him too much in an effort at feeling in touch. It's all so complex. And it's all about sex!!? When did romance become declasse`? When did we make 'i love you' passe? Tell me, where is the moonlight and champagne and roses? Is this anyway to fall in love...?"
- Linda Eder "Is This Anyway To Fall In Love"

Wine & Cheese & Wanda Skyes! Oh My!

My life has led me to alot of strange places with interesting people and sometimes even celebrities. During my 26 years on this earth, just to name a few, I've met RuPaul, Megan Mullally, Carmen Electra, Paris Hilton, John Stamos, Quentin Tarantino and even Yoko Ono!

However, last night was definitely a highlight for me.

My soon-to-be roomie Mary invited me to a birthday party in BK for her friend Kimmie. I asked if I was going to be the only man there in a room full of lesbians and she said yes, which automatically is my RSVP.

I heart lesbians.

Why? Well, for one thing, it's like travelling around with 20 moms all the time. They're so maternal and they seem to have this protective, pinch my cheek, kinda way about them and it's very comforting lol...

So Mary, Donna, Kachi & Me went to BK for this party which turned out to be a wine & cheese party. Unbeknownst to all of us, because Mary didn't read the full E-vite. That was fine with me as I love both wine & cheese and mix that with my unnatural love for lesbians and I was in heaven.

All of the girls there were SO nice and even though I was in my head singing "One of these things is not like the other one...which one doesn't belong...?", they were very welcoming and didn't mind that I was devouring their cheese at an alarmingly rapid rate.

Without trying to sound like a bad joke... So there I am in a room full of about 20 lesbians making myself a drink (Try: Grey Goose, Orange Juice & A splash of Grand Marnier) and my friend Donna says to me "Uh, Wanda Sykes is here."

"Huh?" I replied.

She said it again and I, of course, didn't believe her. So I stuck my head out from around the doorway and there was Wanda Sykes in the living room.

::sweating::

I heart Wanda Sykes also! And if you haven't seen her comedy special on HBO, Sick & Tired, go watch it now! It's hysterical!!

I won't go into why she was there, but she was there and that's all that mattered to me! lol

I acted natural and didn't really know what to do or say, when she came into the room and was introduced to me, I just said "Hey, I'm John...aka The Only Guy Here." and shook her hand and she said "Hi, I'm Wanda...and thanks for representing!" Haha!

As the night progressed and the alcohol started to kick in, I felt a little more relaxed and was mingling with all the girls and was watching Wanda out of the corner of my eye lol.

It's interesting to see famous people being so normal. Not that I don't expect them to be, but one minute she's in Monster In Law with Jane Fonda and J-Lo and the next minute she's asking me to get her a glass of wine in Brooklyn.

????

So yes, I poured Wanda a drink while I was making mine and we even chatted for a bit...SO sweet!

I of course couldn't resist taking a picture with her, which I only had my camera phone and it didn't come out good, but there's a better one of Mary, Wanda and Me that we took for our wall in the new house.

All in all it was a great night!! Who knew??

Till Then,
John Michael

Save A Place On The Dancefloor For Me...

I miss DJing... Alot.

Don't get me wrong. I still do DJ every Friday night in Brooklyn, but it's not the same. I realize that I don't have the time right now to devote to doing it like I used to (hell, I can't even manage an interesting social life right now) but it's something I think about all the time.

What I do in Brooklyn is very different than what I would do at any other club. There's a big difference between bar music and club music.

According to the owner's of my bar, they're looking for a bigger place in BK to open a real club. It's something that BK needs since the closing of Spectrums 2 years ago, and something that no one has tried to corner the market on since.

I'm biding my time in hopes that when they DO buy a club that I'll be able to have a Sat night residency and get things going like Specs did. It would allow me to play more of the music I wanna hear and gain a crowd or following like I used to have.

I feel like I have SO much good music, but at a bar I'm stuck into playing things like Cascada, and Sean Paul (::shudder::) and other mainstream type music.

I'm a circuit DJ trapped in the situation of a pop DJ.

But the money is good... I feel like I sold out in a matter of speaking.

I do every friday night what I said I would never do.

One day...I know...I will be able to get back a little of what I used to do. Right now it's just not in the cards...

Till Then,
John Michael

"I can still remember the tears, the joy, the laughter. They are still in my mind. Just like each day brings the sunshine. And we just linger on, long after you've been gone. Bring me back to the place where we were one. Save a place on the dancefloor for me. Moments etched in my memory of times we shared, how much I cared for you. I'll never ever forget..."
- Dawn Tallman "Save A Place On The Dancefloor For Me"

Medicare...and why it sucks (Part 1).

So I've just realized something that I'm sure the known world has known for a very long time.

Medicare blows.

As you may or may not know, I take my grandmother to physical therapy 3 times a week (soon to be one) and up until today, Medicare was footing the bill.

And why shouldn't they? My grandmother pays them over $400 a month for them to do it!

Today we were informed that Medicare ONLY pays for 14 visits PER YEAR! That's such BULL!!

When she first started physical therapy, she was going for a bad pain in her shoulder that was travelling through her neck and arm. After a few weeks, the pain went away and she was all back to new. Along the way though a pain sprouted in her foot and after they tried a coritzone shot (which didn't work), they sent her for more physical therapy.

Great!

It's actually been getting better but now Medicare won't cover it and to pay it out of pocket every visit is $50! That's $150 a week!!

So even if she was supposed to go 3 times a week all month, that's about $600 a month...ON TOP of the already $400 that's going to Medicare, who is no longer doing anything!!

That's absurd and I'm annoyed.

I have to call them and see what can be done because now, my grandmother will only be going ONCE a week and footing the bill each time.

This is unnacceptable.

There will be more on this issue!

Till Then,
John Michael

I'm movin on up (to the Eltingville side)! (Part 2)

The painting is coming out great!! The baby blue walls are done and I started to do the darker blue. Today when I go there after work I'm gonna snap some photos...I keep forgetting to do it...

I love just being IN the room... Sitting there, staring at these four blank walls, it just feels like a clean start and that's what I think I need for 2007. It's something to look forward to and I haven't had that in a long time either.

True, I have basically no life right now. I couldn't even tell you the last time I really went out, but this is nice for now. I belong in this house. I know this...

Try to follow me here with an open mind.

Ever since I can remember, I've always had these odd dreams. They're never about anything life changing, per se', but in my dreams I'll see a situation; Usually in a place I don't know and surrounded by people I've never met, but nonetheless in my dream I know them.

Then, usually years and years later I find myself IN those situations. Some call is deja vu, but it's different. It's not just a feeling for me. I KNOW that I've seen it before.

And when it happens, it all clicks in my head and I watch the next few minutes pan out just like in my dream and then it's over. When it's over though I have goosebumps all over my body and I have a crazy amount of adrenaline going through my body.

It happened again yesterday.

I was in my room listening to music and taping the walls before I started painting and I had my beer sitting on the floor of the room. I was walking backwards and staring at the wall to see how it looked and I kicked my beer by accident and it spilled all over.

Here's where it clicked. So vividly I got down and started wiping it up and put the bottle on my window ledge. I saw it all happening in my mind second before I was doing it WHILE I was doing it. Like a movie inside a movie. It's hard to put into words and I wouldn't even know what to call it, but at that moment, when I realized that I've seen this place in my mind, I knew that I was meant to be there.

Corny as it sounds, it gave me a sense of hope because I knew that this was the right direction my life was going in. Just "as according to plan" I guess.

It got me thinking and I took a ride down to the Alba House on Victory Blvd. Do you know it? It's great. There's a shrine on the side where you can go and collect your thoughts, pray, or do whatever it is you wanna do.

The basis of it is in Catholicism I suppose, noted by Mary and all the Saints but I just found something kinda pan-spiritual about it. It's amazing how in such a quiet setting you can really hear all the thoughts going through your mind.

A moment of tranquility is needed now and then.

Unfortunately I have to go to work now so my moment of tranquility is over lol, but there will be more about this!

Till Then,
John Michael

I'm movin on up (to the Eltingville side)!

Today was kinda exciting for me.

I started painting my room in the house (have I mentioned this already?) I'm moving into.

Just in case though:

I'm moving into a house with my friend Mary. She's just going through a breakup, so she moved out of her house and bought a new one.

One day she said "I think you'd be a really great roommate!" which was perfectt for me! Haha!

Cause I, of course, WOULD end up living with a lesbian! Is it any wonder why I'm single? I hang out with lezzies all the time lol...

Mary called me and said she was painting the living room today so I said I would come by. Well, I was so inspiried by the painting extravaganza going on, I hit up Home Depot for some paint and got started. It was great! I got one & 1/2 walls done! lol It doesn't sound like alot but I worked slow. I want everything to be just right for this one.

In case you haven't picked up on it, I'm all kinds of excited!!

Im going back tomorrow night to paint some more...There will be pictures...

Till Then,
John Michael

"Slowly drifting into a peaceful breeze. Tounge tied and twisted are all my memories. Celebrating a fantasy come true. Packing all my bags. Finally on the move. I'm leavin today. I'm living it, I'm leaving it to change..."
- Christina Aguilera "Cruz"

It's over now. You walk away. After 'goodbye', there's nothing left to say...

I don't get it. Really I don't... Why is it always when things seem to be going good, something, usually out of my control, happens and we're back to square one.

Joe, the boy that I had written about a few blogs ago, and I are done...seemingly even before we started...and I don't even understand what went on.

All I know was that the last time I saw him, things were great. We had an awesome night and I was excited. Then after that, he seemed distant.

Everyone said I was being neurotic, but I know when something's wrong.

Yesterday I called twice and left two texts and all day: Nothing.

So I wrote a final text at 2AM and then I was woken up to a reply around 5AM...This was the simple convo that went on:

Me: Not gonna lie. I'm kinda confused. Been tryin to get ahold of ya all day with no response. Feels like you're not really that interested. If you're not then at least lemme know. I don't wanna be a burden and I feel like it's a stretch to talk to you now and that I'm hassling you...
Joe: I'm sorry for doing this... I get myself so scared and I withdraw. I don't know what's wrong with me but anytime something good comes my way I head for the hills. I'm really afraid of getting hurt and more so afraid of hurting you which I feel like I'm already doing. :/ I don't wanna do that anymore.
Me: I don't wanna give up though! I really think that if given a chance, that this has a possibility of going somewhere. I understand what you're feeling and it's valid but I just want the opportunity to try. Please don't withdraw yet and give this a chance...
Joe: You're so nice and I'm such a prick... I feel like I'm gonna ruin everything. Just gimme some time to think about it...
Me: Ok then...so should I make other plans then for tonite?
Joe: Yeah, I guess...
Me: :( Wow. I really didn't see this comin. Do what you've gotta do I suppose... I'll be around...

And that was it. I feel like I just stepped out of a hurricane. I'm confused and wondering what to do...

Help anyone?

Till Then,
John Michael

"I dream of worlds where you'd understand. And I dream a million sleepless nights. I dream of fire when you're touching my hand. But it twists into smoke when I turn on the light. I'm speechless and faded. It's too complicated. Is this how the book ends, nothing but good friends?"
- Kay Hanley "You Don't See Me"

Halloween With All The Trimmings

That was me. At least Last Saturday and last night. Don't believe me? I have the blisters on my feet to prove it. But what do I expect when I'm wearing 4 inch platform stilletto's??

Yes. I'm a big girl.

I feel like this year I looked like a cross between my sister and Carnie Wilson.

I also think this is my last year for this. It's time to retire those good ol heels. While Chris, my best friend and make-up artist gets more and more professional with his make-up, it seems to make me more and more tired every year.

Having done this TWICE in a matter of 5 days is a bit much.

How do these women do it every day? Today, I suggest you turn to the woman next to you, wink, smile and tell her you understand.

Saturday night was my friend Jessica's b-day at BLVD. Me, Chris and Marissa got all dolled up (me in drag, Chris as a Zombie and Marissa as Rosie The Riveter) and headed to the Bowery.

Traffic was REDICULOUS, but we braved the storm and made it to the club. After waiting an hour outside (and what is the point of buying tickets in advance if you have to wait an hour outside??) we went into an extremely packed house. It wasn't so bad because it was daylight savings time and we ended up getting that hour back but it was so crowded inside it was a little uncomfortable. Especially for 6 foot 6 drag queen in 4 inch spikes.

Aside from that, I will say that straight people just don't know how to have a good party. Love em to death and need em for survival, but they need to go to Party 101. All of them. But that's another blog for another day.

When in drag, I always meet interesting people and the night was filled with alot of picture taking and talking to many a girl who wanted to know how I was dealing with the shoes, the wig, the bra, all of it...

Having the place be so crowded made getting to the bar an experience. $50 later I was barely buzzed because the wait time in between killed my alcohol experience. But since it was for Jessica, it was good. She was having a good time and that's what mattered.

The rest of the weekend came and went which brought us to last night.

Halloween night and two more birthdays: Maria & Kim. Both girls I work with at the salon.

We had decided weeks ago to rent a Party Bus (FABULOUS!) and we were going to Webster Hall for their big blowout.

Now, I love Webster Hall and I haven't been there in awhile so I was all about it. We bought advance tickets once again ($80 for open bar ALL night AND admission) which wasn't so bad and we thought, foolishly, that we wouldn't have a problem getting in.

Having seen what went on at Blvd, I knew that this would be the same scenario but I didn't wanna bum anyone out.

We had a great time on the bus on the way there and when we got to the city, it was MOBBED. And even that feels like an understatement.

We got to Webster Hall and once again, the line was arouind the corner for people with tickets, but the line for general admission was maybe 50 people deep.

It was just about a 2 hour wait which none of us wanted to do. So majority ruled and we went to Strata a few blocks away. And yes, I want my $80 back.

Strata was alright and the music wasn't terrible although it was mainly hip hop but by this time I wanted to cut my feet off at the ankles and throw them out.

What really killed my feet was when I completely lost it and gave a mini-drag performance to Veronica's "Someone To Hold". The black girl who was next to me watching, taking pictures and hugging me and dancing with me kinda made it all worth while. I heart black women.

Me & Maria (dressed as Bat Girl) and her (amazingly hot) BF Jay (dressed as Batman...::drool::) left early and went back to the bus where Maria in a completely drunken state passed out.

I de-frocked.

By the time everyone got to the bus, I had ripped my nails off, took off my bra (it IS liberating), stripped the jewelry & clawed my shoes off.

We got back to Maria's house at who knows what time but I was in SOME state. I changed my outfit to be comfortable for the ride home so I drove home in a pair of sweats, a t-shirt, fur coat, full face of makeup and a wig.

I looked like Sporty Spice after a 3 day meth bender.

All in all it was ok but if I do decide to go out next year, I'm going in something comfortable and not to a straight party.

Sorry my fellow heteros! Love ya, but there's never a line at gay clubs and everyone is friendly on Halloween.

Till Then,
John Michael